Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
