Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
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