I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
