You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize