i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Randomize
