i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Randomize
