I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Drunk walkin through police station. America
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Randomize
