So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Randomize
