I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
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