I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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