I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
we should paint friendship bongs
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Randomize
