Betty ford says i'm here all night
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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