god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Randomize
