My Higher Power is John Stamos
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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