So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
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