a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Randomize
