there's paper in my vomit.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Randomize
