Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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