tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
