Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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