Sry I called you an 8
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
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