Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
