did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
