I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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