Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
