i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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