I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Randomize
