I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
