We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
