I wanna bring you to show and tell
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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