Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
