She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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