I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
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