Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
