I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
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