Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
