Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Randomize
