Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Randomize
