My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
