My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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