i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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