i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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