My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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