if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
