ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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