Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
