Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
