Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
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