my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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