Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
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