take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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