That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I haven't been this sober since birth.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
