Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
