The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Randomize
